Mau ngetik macem-macem, udah numpuk semua di kepala. Tapi semua berujung mengendap di draft dan ngga ngerti bakal dilanjutin kapan, bakal dipost apa engga. Semua ini karena udah di penghujung rotasi klinik, dan merasa berdosa kalau memilih blogging ketimbang belajar buat ujian stase anestesi or even bigger: ujian akhir segala perkoasan untuk mendapat gelar “dr.” uhuhuuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu.

Ujian maning ujian maning, sooooon sooon.

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Chocolate High

-India Arie feat. Musiq Soulchild-

If we make each other happy, then we just can’t lose.

[India Arie]
I don’t mean to be decadent, I might sound like a hedonist.
But the simplest way I can put it, you become a habit: the more I consume it, the more I gotta have it.
Ain’t no such thing as too much. If you gave me everything it’d never be enough.
My black coffee with sugar no cream in the morning, you’re my super double caffeine dream.

[Musiq Soulchild]
Your precious darkness got me so strung out and lovin’ the way that you got me so wide open, my baby doll.
Jonesin’ and fienin’ under my skin, my nerves are screamin’ when you’re not here..
See baby I need you, Sugar. You’re so delicious.
There is somethin’ about your love that makes me just want to open up.
Your flavour is the sweetest thing in life, I’m addicted to your chocolate high.
‘Cause I want you, and I know that you want me. So let’s stay close like we supposed to be.
And just get high off our own supply. I’m addicted to your chocolate high.

[Musiq Soulchild]
I’d be trippin’ in so many ways if I go a single day without a taste of your love.
The finest cuisine of today’s world, five stars, oh you’re so gourmet, Girl.

[India Arie]
I crave you, I want you. Every cell in my body needs you.
Tasty, like Hershey’s and Nestle.
You’re rich like Godiva.

Boy, you’re just so sexy.

**Happy 28, my chocolate!

*WARNING! Reading this post will waste your precious time, skip it*

Hujan dan dingin ini mengingatkanku pada obrolan sore tadi di perjalanan pulang..
Mas: pengen minum yang anget-anget deh, dek.
Me: adek malah pengen minum Chatime atau makan Calzone sambil.. OH! Adek pengen escok Mas *pouting*
Mas: dingin-dingin gini kok minum es to dek..
Me: ih ya ngga apa-apa, enak tauuu.. *manja*
Mas: Mas tu menikmati kedinginan dengan kehangatan e dek.. *smirking*

Ngga ada intinya sih obrolan di atas, tapi jadi keinget aja tentang obrolan tadi waktu Mas Yudha nganterin aku pulang. And almost everything that he did, he said, aku bisa seinget itu… sedangkan materi kuliah susah banget buat ngingetnya. :(

But it’s true. Setiap apa yang dilakukan Mas Yudha, hal kecil pun aku selalu inget. Mas Yudha yang sweet, hangat, lembut, dan super peka kalau ada perubahan STL-ku (Sikap Tingkah Laku) dan langsung, “..dek? Kok diem aja? Adek ga suka? Apa? Bilang to sayang jangan diem aja…” atau kalau habis sholat di Masjid pinggir jalan atau dimanapun yang membutuhkan untuk melepas sepatu, Mas Yudha selalu mbenerin posisi sepatuku (entah dibalik arahnya atau dideketin ke arahku) biar langsung siap aku pakai tanpa harus aku puter-puter atau tanpa aku harus meraih sepatuku. Mas Yudha yang selalu memaksa aku minum air bening, bukan teh atau sejenisnya. Mas Yudha yang selalu siap asam mefenamat dan antasida karena aku banyak keluhan (dan dia juga sih sebenernya haha!).

Mas Yudha yang selalu, “…mas mau belajar lagi, mas mau berusaha lagi…” biar aku seneng, biar “kita” tetep ada. Mas Yudha yang selalu sabar sama setiap STL balita-ku, yang selalu, “iya sayang” setiap aku merengek manja atau marah-marah ngga jelas. Mas Yudha yang selalu nutup matanya kalau lagi nahan kesel sama omelan-omelanku yang tanpa dasar tanpa tujuan. Mas Yudha yang selalu berusaha memahami mood swingku dan berusaha menetralisir itu semua. Mas Yudha yang…. huf ngga akan habis diceritain di sini..

Alhamdulillaah, alhamdulillaah, alhamdulillaah.. Super bersyukur bisa dipanggil sama Mas Yudha, “sayang.” dan insya Allaah cuma satu-satunya, aamiin.

Bismillaahirrahmanirrahim…

*Maaf ya postnya aneh banget huhuhu lagi campur aduk nih hatinya… I’ve warned you*

The Referred Pain

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Heart: If pain from one organ can be referred to the other part of the body (called the referred pain), why can’t he feel the pain too whenever I’m in pain? So that he can understand me.
Brain: Because, if other people can feel the exact same pain as you feel, no one can be a doctor, no one want to be a doctor.
Heart: I wish my referred pain was to you, so that you can feel how awful the pain that was caused by him.

*ujian akhir stase jiwa*
Mas: udah selesai dek ujiannya?
Me: belum Mas, masih harus diskusi kasus di rumah dokternya nanti malem jam 7 huhuhu
Mas: mau mas anter?

Padahal Mas Yudha habis jaga dari Kamis sampai siang tadi, belum pulang sama sekali, belum tidur di kasur dengan bener, belum ngerjain tugas-tugas koas stase anak, padahal masih sakit, padahal Sabtu pagi udah harus jaga lagi sampai Minggu pagi. Tapi tetep aja mau nganter-jemput, mau ketemuan sama upik abu kaya aku, masih mau nemenin makan malem setelah selesai ujian (ujiannya dari jam 7-9 malem, literally, dan Mas nungguin aku ujian di angkringan/warung lesehan di deket rumah dokter pengujiku, ngga pulang buat istirahat dulu gitu). Bahkan masih sempet nemenin aku beli screen guard buat ponsel sama nyari-nyari case. Ya ampun. I can’t thank Him enough for sending His angel to me.

I’m so lucky!

Minggu lalu selama satu minggu, aku menjalani hidup yang mengingatkan aku sama diriku di waktu SMA yang sibuk, super sibuk yang bahkan saking sibuknya nafas aja ngga sempet. Aktivitas yang padet mulai dari pagi menjalani hidup sebagai koas di RSJ Grhasia, siang udah di SMA untuk keperluan TONTI, baru sejam di sana udah pindah ke TBY untuk latihan nari, sejam di TBY udah pindah ke SMA lagi sampai maghrib. Selesai urusan di SMA terus dinner sama Mas Yudha, sampai rumah garap tugas koas untuk paginya. Atau habis dari SMA langsung nongkrong di rumah Mas Didik Ninik Thowok buat latihan teater untuk pentas. Atau baru sampai rumah udah diminta nemenin Mami untuk cari pernak-pernik. I did that on repeat last week (the whole week). Waktu di SMA bahkan lebih parah, dalam sehari bisa dateng ke 5 rapat sekaligus dengan di sela-selanya masih bisa nongkrong sama temen-temen atau ikut latihan TONTI dan turun paket (hukuman dari kakak kelas karena terlalu sering izin haha!) atau ujian susulan karena terlalu sering cabut dari kelas, atau nyambut tamu dari mana, atau ngurusin hal lain.

It was so tiring yet so exciting. I love the adrenaline rush, it keeps me focused, yet it reduces my life by 10 years (lol, because I need to rush everything, even with the people I am dealing with at that time). And the newest fact I found by my activities last week was I feel my life in the right track when I have so many things to do. It gives me the impression that I need to keep my mind busy and I need to do something about the ideas that spinning in my head impulsively. It makes me feel useful and worth to live a little longer (lol what).

And with this post I want to thank my Mas Yudha for giving me the full support of what I’m doing. He gave me the trust and the space to finish what I started. And I’m so proud of him, of his maturity, of his acceptance about the situation between us. He understands that I have to “move” to prevent myself from the “self destruction” (if you know what I mean). The best part of all was I have the full permission to do what I love and to love what I do.

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I’ve never been happier than this stage of life. I’ve never been so sure about what I’m doing. And I feel like I’m in love with the same person again and again and again. Makasih ya, Mas Yudha :’)