I wanted to share what I learnt today.
I’ve dated couple times with many different types of guys, since I was in junior high (yes, that young). At those times I’ve never felt the adrenaline rush of jealousy. I used to be a girl who thought with a clear mind, solved the problems with a win-win solutions and all. But not until I met him. I felt the anger and jealousy rush of him whenever he’s with someone else. “Bahkan sama kaktus dikerudungin aja bisa cemburu.”
We often argue about this–the extreme jealousy, and we couldn’t get the win-win solution right because I win my heart over my logic, and he had to do anything to minimise my insecurities which was not fun for him because he had to give in, meaning he had to let me tell him what to do. And I always won with the death sentence,
I love you with my heart, but you love me with your brain.
I just couldn’t get rid of the negative emotions that consumed me every damn time I saw him with someone else–unfortunately (for him) sometimes I got jealous too from his circle regardless the gender (I know, I am the worst girlfriend ever). And that is a big deal because I know that we need other people and relationship isn’t anything without trust. And actually, deep down inside, I know that it is not healthy and is not the right thing and is not how love should be. Maybe the reason why my insecurity level was increased crazily because I’ve never in a completely unselfless way. I always wanted other people to be happy, but I wanted to have contributed to made them happy. I wanted to be the only reason of my boyfriend’s happiness each minutes, the one who makes him smile every single day. And that brings a further questions like “can I feel genuinely happy to my boyfriend no matter where he is, whom he’s with, what he’s doing? Can I have the long distance relationship with him?”
- Interrupt the Pattern
Every emotions that we have is a habit, he said, each time we are feeling the emotions we are blazing a neural pathway in our head and with repetition it gets stronger, it gets easier to fire. And those emotions can be re-trained and controlled. How? By cut off or interrupt the pattern. Whenever we’re about to get jealous or angry, just notice it and cut it. And the easiest way to stop it according to this Youtube channel is The Eyes Scramble. Hum a happy song and glance in every directions. He said that it has something to do with the eyes access to the brain where it can bring the neutral state of emotions directly. But maybe it was just a easiest distraction of what we’re feeling, what we’re thinking at that time. You can also do istighfar or anything else to interrupt the pattern whenever we’re feeling a negative emotion starts consuming us.
- Give Ourselves Love and Acceptance
Look yourself in the mirror and say, “Even though you’re jealous, even though you’re feeling insecure of losing someone you really care about, you can’t live without, I love you and I accept you exactly as you are.”
Let your brain and heart become in one line so you can get out from the debate contests of your brain and heart. Feed ourselves with self-love.
Extend The Unconditional Love to The Person You Least Want to Extend it to
Be happy for your loved ones no matter where they are and whom they’re with, trust them. Imagine that your love one with someone else doing his job and hope and mean it that he will keep faithful to you, protect himself for you and still can be happy with his friends and circles.
And when you can get to that point, you’re free. You don’t have to be worried about other people the wrong way anymore.
And those three are the steps. It answered all of my questions, it shut the debates of my heart and brain. It is not as simple as writing it down, because it involves the heart, the feelings. I know that I need an extra time to process this, to accept and to understand.
This is my process, our process. I know where I’m heading to and I know that someday I will step up and get out from this negative feelings I have and become a better person, a better partner for my boyfriend. And I thank him for his patiences he has for me these whole year and the risks he is willing to take for me. The feelings of jealousy, insecurity, anger are not right and not necessary and love has a better shape than what I thought, anyway. Look at someone else and be happy for their happiness.